We are Artists

There are so many things inside my heart and not enough space for them to come out.

Sometimes I think I will break, simply because I am bubbling all over on the inside. There is an abundance of energy - all forms of energy - skipping around, dancing around, churning and wringing about and it's just dying to jump out. My body doesn't seem capable of containing all that I am, and I feel restricted and enclosed. I can feel my pulse, my irregular heart-beat, as all the things that compose me are forced through my veins and arteries at this irregular tempo; it is my life-rhythm and it creates me.

And what am I? What are any of us?

I am flesh, yes. And I am human. I am a woman, a daughter, a lover, all of these typical things. And yet, I am so much more.

I am a dream. A snowflake. A song. A bird. Water. The fall-breeze. A lick of vanilla ice-cream. Fresh paint on raw hands. An Edison light-bulb. Chalk dust. The smell of rain. A forehead kiss. An empty swimming-pool. A mountain day. An old library book. A soggy cheerio. Mismatched socks. The last bit of toothpaste. A chipped teacup. A blade of grass. A sweater. Shower-steam. A stray cat-hair. A blistering sunburn. A droplet of sweat. A small noise. Pumpkin pie. A missing shoe. Peeling fingernail polish. A Leaky faucet. A fast drive. A thought. And a smile. And that first time you fell in love...

I am all of these things and more.

Sometimes I want to shout it to the world, to explode into all the things that I am at once! I want people to see more than what they see. I desire to place my hand into someone else's and just have them know me.

And, I want to feel someone else's hand and know all the things that compose them as well. I want to be a worm and crawl around inside of minds; to discover what composes people, who they are when they are no more than what they can be. I want to roll around in the warmth of the world, to see things beyond what my eyes are capable of seeing.

Perhaps this is what makes me an artist. I desire to understand and to be understood. I am bursting at the seams. I am overflowing into the world and this overflow must be contained somehow. It must be put somewhere. I have spent my life trying to repress all the multitudes of my emotions, all the faucets of who I am. I tried to squeeze into a box, mold myself into what I thought I wanted and what everyone else wanted, and it turns out, that doesn't work. So instead I shall explode! Because hiding is no fun at all.

Dear World, I'm a little crazy. I'm a lot of quirky. Some days I'm hard to handle and difficult to understand. But this is what makes me beautiful, and so I shall celebrate it.

And you are beautiful too.

Lovely, Lonely, and a Little Lost

Happiness is such a strange concept. We make decisions all the time based on things we think will make us happy. But what happens when we don't receive what we had expected?

I'm beginning to realize the crazy dualities we are all bound to face. When there are multiple things in life that make us happy and we begin to realize that we can't actually "have it all." Instead, we are forced to make some type of decision.

I find myself missing how simple things used to be. When I was just a chubby little kid hanging out with my little sister. But things can't be like that now. Oh, growing up, why are you so hard?!

There are some things I am so happy with here, as I live my "new" life. Like my goofy new friends and some of the new places that I've been. And I'm starting to see some really beautiful things here. There are some simple little joys; I have a frog neighbor who greets me every night when I get home. He hangs out by my porch light and it's always nice to see him. And sleeping in a bed that's not a twin-size, that's glorious! And the gym facilities here are simply to die for! There are squirrels and trees. I'm in a beautiful show, and I'm learning all sorts of things about myself. Here are some of my happy moments:

These goof-balls.

Ashley making apple pies and pumpkin pie pockets. 

Having lunch in Milwaukee at this really great burger place that Todd picked (Also, making double-chin faces).

Being so close to Chicago. I feel at home in cities. 

Working on this beautiful show. 

This sunset with these windmills. 

Exploring the River Walk in Milwaukee. 

I find bliss here, in these moments. But it's not all bliss. I came to grad school in order to improve, to learn, to grow. Really, it was a selfish decision. And I figured "Hey, when you're in your twenties you get to be selfish!" And that's so true. So I packed my bags and left Utah. And I have had lovely days, beautiful days, days where I learn and I laugh and I love. It has been so nice to meet people from other places, to notice the different regionalisms, to hear about how they live, to really see what other people do, and I have loved that.

But there are bad days too. Days where I get so lonely that I have a difficult time functioning. Days in which people don't understand my quirks the same way people back home do. Days that I struggle in class, which is so irritating to me because I've always excelled. And it's hard.

I made this selfish decision not realizing that I selfishly need certain people too. I guess I didn't expect the loneliness. I didn't expect to feel left out of things that are happening back home.

I get on Facebook and see all the things that I am missing. I can't go see my friends in The Plain Princess up at Weber or in Brigadoon at Hale. I can't go to the birthday dinners that my friends go to, I can't make it to special events that I am invited to. I missed the first snow-fall.  I don't get to support my mom as she opens her new restaurant or see how excited Jordan is when she gets her lab coat. I don't get to kiss my kitty before she goes to the vet for surgery. I don't get to have a random date night with my family and be the fifth-wheel and have them awkwardly try and set me up with the waiter. I can't hang out with my friends, and I'm so busy and they're so busy that maintaining relationships is hard. And I miss them.

I didn't expect these things. To miss all these things.

Waking up to this face. 

My family. 

My Weebies. 

My Best Friend.

Weirdos that dress up with me. 

Hiking in beautiful places with beautiful people. 

Leaf piles. 

My Ragtime friends. 

Oh, these people...

Adorable new families. 

So now I suppose I must find balance. I have surprised myself so much in the past year that at this point I really have no clue what I'm doing. I like to seem completely put-together, but the truth is that I'm just as lost as ever. This isn't a "pity-me" post or anything like that, this is me admitting that things are hard. Life is hard. Good days, bad days, and everything in-between. Who knows where I will go and what I will accomplish? I sure don't, I haven't got a clue! But, really, who does?

Time to Tour my Apartment

For the first time in my life I am living alone. And it's been quite the experience, here's what I've discovered:

Pros to Living Alone:

• I get an entire fridge all to myself! This means that my stuff doesn't get lost behind my roommate's stuff. Thus, I now no longer leave an entire bowl of edamame  in the fridge, said edamame no longer gets hidden, and I don't have to clean out said bowl after it's been molding for about two months. Yep, that doesn't happen anymore (sorry, past roommates...).
• I don't have to go to the bathroom only to realize that we're out of toilet paper. 
• Any hair that I find laying around the house is my hair. So much less gross. And seriously, if you haven't lived in a house with four girls whom all have long hair, you will not understand the importance of this statement. 
• I don't have to write my name on my food. 
• I can go to sleep whenever I want and I don't have to worry about people waking me up with the TV.
• I can make smoothies in the morning without worrying about waking up other people with the blender. I love smoothies, so this is great!
• The trash can doesn't fill up nearly as quickly.
• I get to decorate the entire apartment to my taste! It's great, I love all my stuff and it feels so much more like home!
• No one wastes dish soap. I hate wasted dish soap.
• I can walk around the house in my underwear and no one cares. 
• I always know what the house is going to look like when I get home; no sudden messy surprises. 
• The kitchen is clean. Let me reiterate: the kitchen is clean. I hated coming home to a messy kitchen. 

Cons to Living Alone:

• I'm the only person named "Kelsie" living in my house. Oddly enough, living with two other "Kelseys" was a great start-up conversation; it amused the rest of the people living on our floor.
• When roommates bake cookies they usually give you one. Now there's no one to give me a cookie.
• The same goes with pies. No pies for me. 
• Or really any food. I miss having people feed me. 
• Or cook for me. I loved it when Kelsey would make my mac n' cheese; I would buy it, she would cook it, we would both eat it, it was a great deal.
• I have to kill all the bugs myself.
• No more late night hallway conversations. 
• No more coffee-table dance parties.
• No one to make tea for you when you're sick.

Overall, I'm really enjoying having a space that's all mine. As with anything there are upsides and downsides. But I feel like I've reached a point in my life where I really need to have a relationship with myself. It's nice to figure out what my house-habits are, how I occupy my "alone-time," and really what kind of energy I am feeding myself. I think it's a wonderful experience for anyone to have, and I'm loving it.

Now, after all this apartment talk I think that it's only appropriate to give you all a tour. So here's my apartment! Welcome!

This is my adorable front door. Welcome to 2623!

When you walk in the door you are in my entry way. It has some little shelves and a coat closet. 

This is my, uh...dining "room."

After living in UV for four years I didn't know what to do with all this kitchen space! Cupboards, what...?!

This is my living/dining area

More of my living room. Fortunately my furniture came with the apartment, that definitely saved me a ton of money! 

From there you enter into my bedroom. Finally, an adult-sized bed!

I've been able to quickly fill up my built-in book shelf.

This is my little crafty corner. 

I managed to get my book-page plank art here without any damage. Yay! 

This is the top of my dresser; a few items I really love. 

My nice little desk area. 

And of course Howie and Stella came with me (Stella's a little sick, however...). 

So that's my home! It's bright an quirky which is wonderful to come home to after spending all day at school. Hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to come and visit me in person, I'm definitely missing all of my friends from back home. Love you all!

-Kelsie

I Gave it up for the Theatre...

What would you sacrifice for theatre?

This is my first journal assignment for my acting class, and boy, has it been a little uncomfortable to think about. I think as theatre-babies we all love to think/talk about how much we love our art, how passionate we are. But thinking about what we give up isn't a place we enjoy visiting.

If you had asked me this question a few months ago I would have said, "Oh, easy!" and blurted out a list of things I have told myself that I cannot have because I am an actor:

• Someone to love
• A real relationship
• A potential family

Now we can get into all the psychological hoo-ha behind these things, but in reality I thought "Who would want to be with someone that is living  life in such an unstable manner?" There are no guarantees in this career; no one is obligated to cast you, you don't necessarily know the right people, and there may be a span of months in which you can't find work. It's a crazy life! So instead I convinced myself that I simply didn't want these things (and let's be honest, I'm not that crazy about kids anyway). So, that was it, done deal, doors closed! 

Until you realize that you can't lock away your heart that easily. So maybe things change, maybe what I told myself I must sacrifice isn't really what I need to sacrifice. So what else am I giving up? 

Three years ago I made the decision to major in theatre, despite all the shouts that I needed a "real job," was "wasting my intelligence" and that I would simply "end up a stripper," because that's what happens to cute girls who try to become actresses. And why did I make this huge life decision? 

I decided my happiness was more important than monetary stability.

I have given up hopes of a luxurious lifestyle; I have made the decision that it is more important to pursue something I love. Will I struggle at times with the rent payment? Probably. Will I have to ration a box of rice to feed myself for a week? Probably. Will I run out of money to fill my gas tank? Probably. And do you know what, I chose to make that sacrifice. Money is not everything. And in my four years as a poor college student, I find that the necessary income somehow always shows up. 

Then there's my family, currently over 1,500 miles away, and I'm the one that put this distance between us. Why? For theatre. Crazy, right? But I had to do it, I had to consciously make the decision to move away from them in order to become a better actor. I'm giving up fights and make-ups with my sister, coffee-mornings with my mom, wedgies from my brother, awkward conversations with my dad, and snuggles from my cat. All the little things that make us love each other. 

I hope they understand. 

And can we talk about all the little things? When you get cast in a show your body is no longer your own, it belongs to the production team. I am giving up the ability to chop off all my hair on a whim, a normal sleeping schedule, weekends out with friends (hell, anytime with anyone outside the theater), the option to eat whatever I want, rock climbing or skydiving or anything that risks a broken bone, family vacations, and on and on...

 

Sometimes all of this sounds a little terrible, and non-theatre people are thinking "OMG I'm not skipping that family vacation to Hawaii in order to be in some summer-stock production!"  And we've all spent Christmas break avoiding the dessert table in order to fit into our costumes. Then there's that inevitable friendship that dies because they didn't understand, "Sorry, I'm in rehearsal..." 

But there is a reason why we compromise, a purpose behind every sacrifice!

I cannot fathom any other choice. Theatre is my art, and without it I'm not me. It's this bizarre life-blood that beats throughout the veins and arteries of anyone that is fortunate enough to fall in love with it. It infests you; changing your cells and morphing you in a way that you can't recover from. It is humanity and earth, enveloping and changing all that it touches. It is me and you and everyone and everything in-between...

This passion is indescribable. 

So here we are, the crazy-theatre-humans, gladly making the sacrifices, because we can't do anything else. I can't do anything else. We're in love with this art form and always will be. And that's just how it is. 

...and I'm so grateful that's how it is.

But Where are all the Bunnies?!

Things are feeling really great right now; I'm making new friends, I'm getting things prepared, I'm learning where everything is on campus, and actually feeling like I can be successful.

Whoot! I'm not gonna fail at Grad School!

On the other hand, there are some really strange things. Like the bugs. The very loud bugs (that I thought were locusts but I have been corrected, they're cicadas or some other strange name that begins with a 'C.' Either way, they're still icky and creepy and hiding...). These loud bugs like to keep me awake at night. Where are all the city sounds that I miss so much?!

Also, I've had quite the string of bad luck. Seriously, I've been told that Sagittariuses are suppose to have amazing luck, but I think my friend Ally Berry stole it all from me in some weird "cosmic-powers" way since she and I share the same birthday. And that is not a very kind thing to do. Ally Berry, I want my Sagittarius luck back!

I'm making lots of new friends. Like these guys. They were really chill; a little stiff, not necessarily the most fashionable, but they were great conversationalists.

And there are so many squirrels on campus! I love them! I walk by and they'll be chewing on some nuts or running up some trees, just swishing their tails. I've seen a few chipmunks too, and they are equally adorable. However, I am highly disappointed that I haven't seen any of the bunnies! My fellow MFA Actors keep chatting about all the amazing bunnies that they see just bopping around campus. My inner hippie just wants to hang out with a few bunnies, and I don't think that's too much to ask.

No matter how much I love the squirrels though, I love my fellow actors more (ok, it could be a tie...). It's been so nice to meet new people and I'm loving getting to know everyone. Today we performed monologues in front of each other for the first time. I'm around some incredibly talented people and I can't wait to see what our creative energies make together.

I've also experienced some incredible support from back home. My sister and brother-in-law (whom I will now just refer to as my brother, because I hate this "in-law" formality stuff) have been wonderful in making sure that I get the mail that I need and that my adorable kitty doesn't die. Jordan has also been great about sending me pictures of little Buttercup, since I miss her adorable face like crazy. I mean, you would miss her too, just look at her!

Mom and Dad have been a great support as well. They stocked up the fridge and moved me here and helped me out with a car, not to mention the whole "giving me life" situation. Yeah, that was pretty cool of them. They are the greatest parents.

And then there's Racket, who I couldn't do this without! I mean, really, how many guys would take a nap with you on FaceTime and be completely cool with it? He's allowed me to freak out, stress out, and cry a little, and somehow I haven't scared him away yet. His wit and charm leave me feeling energized and powerful; I couldn't think of a better way to start and end my day. All smiles on my end!

Life is wonderful so far. This week has been packed with paperwork and meetings, long and boring orientations, but I start classes on Monday and really get into the juicy-bits. I'm excited and ready to learn, that's about all I can ask for.

Life Lessons from West Lafayette

Well, my darling little mother wanted me to start a blog, so here it is:

Life in a One Bedroom Apartment.

I'm new to this blogging thing (somehow my mom always seems to one-up me on the technology front), so we'll see how this goes. I have ventured off to Indiana to start a new chapter of my life; I'm living on my own, starting Grad School, and learning all about a new city. Here's what I have learned so far:

Indiana hates my hair. Really, the humidity here hates my hair.

Water boils faster than it did in Utah.

My skin does not adjust well to new places. Hello, Kelsie's zit face! I'll be looking stunning for my orientation week at Purdue!

The bugs here are big. There are also locusts that live everywhere. Now, I have not actually seen one of these little buggies, they hide very well, but you can hear them all the time. They lurk in the trees or the bushes or in the trailer court next door...who knows...

Command Strips don't adhere to the walls as well as they did in Utah. Again, I blame this on the humidity.

Nike shorts and tennis shoes seem to be the hip fashion here. And T-shirts. So, there's that...

Don't ever try to buy a used car in Lafayette. Seriously, the prices are ridiculous! I ended up leasing an adorable little Chevey Cruze (his name is Ishmael) instead of buying a used one. I feel safer with this decision, I won't have to worry about being stranded in a broken-down used car somewhere, but financially it is still more money than I would have preferred. Anyway, buy cars in Salt Lake, that's the lesson here!

There are a lot of cornfields. And soybean fields. And more cornfields.

There are so many windmills! And I love them! It is such a beautiful experience to drive right next to a massive windmill. It's the closest substitution that I've found to my mountains.

Drinks condensate WAY more. Seriously, I'm not sure if I'm suppose to take a sip of my drink or just lick the cup.

I'm really glad that I'm bendy. It seems to be a necessary skill when trying to shave your legs in a tiny shower.

I like living on my own, mostly because the clothing situation is negotiable. I enjoy walking around in my underwear. Clothes are overrated. Let's be naked.

The Orange Chicken at Panda Express tastes different. Also, McDonald's doesn't have the hot n' spicy chicken sandwich. Bummer...

I really like stained-glass windows. There are some gorgeous windows in the Union Building on campus.

If you get stranded in Michigan City there's a super random casino, The Blue Chip, that you can hang out in.

Chicago. Oh, Chicago! It's only two hours away and it is wonderful. I'll definitely be spending weekends there. I'm a city girl through and through.

I am amazing and strong and capable of brilliant things.

So here's to a grand new adventure! I can only begin to fathom all the things I will learn, the emotions I will experience, the people I will meet. I am so grateful for everyone that has helped me reach this moment, those whom have supported me, guided me, loved me, and befriended me. I take pieces of you with me. I hope to keep this blog updated with the stories of my life here, because so many of you have made this moment possible and I feel like you are a part of my journey!

All my love,
Kelsie