We are Artists

There are so many things inside my heart and not enough space for them to come out.

Sometimes I think I will break, simply because I am bubbling all over on the inside. There is an abundance of energy - all forms of energy - skipping around, dancing around, churning and wringing about and it's just dying to jump out. My body doesn't seem capable of containing all that I am, and I feel restricted and enclosed. I can feel my pulse, my irregular heart-beat, as all the things that compose me are forced through my veins and arteries at this irregular tempo; it is my life-rhythm and it creates me.

And what am I? What are any of us?

I am flesh, yes. And I am human. I am a woman, a daughter, a lover, all of these typical things. And yet, I am so much more.

I am a dream. A snowflake. A song. A bird. Water. The fall-breeze. A lick of vanilla ice-cream. Fresh paint on raw hands. An Edison light-bulb. Chalk dust. The smell of rain. A forehead kiss. An empty swimming-pool. A mountain day. An old library book. A soggy cheerio. Mismatched socks. The last bit of toothpaste. A chipped teacup. A blade of grass. A sweater. Shower-steam. A stray cat-hair. A blistering sunburn. A droplet of sweat. A small noise. Pumpkin pie. A missing shoe. Peeling fingernail polish. A Leaky faucet. A fast drive. A thought. And a smile. And that first time you fell in love...

I am all of these things and more.

Sometimes I want to shout it to the world, to explode into all the things that I am at once! I want people to see more than what they see. I desire to place my hand into someone else's and just have them know me.

And, I want to feel someone else's hand and know all the things that compose them as well. I want to be a worm and crawl around inside of minds; to discover what composes people, who they are when they are no more than what they can be. I want to roll around in the warmth of the world, to see things beyond what my eyes are capable of seeing.

Perhaps this is what makes me an artist. I desire to understand and to be understood. I am bursting at the seams. I am overflowing into the world and this overflow must be contained somehow. It must be put somewhere. I have spent my life trying to repress all the multitudes of my emotions, all the faucets of who I am. I tried to squeeze into a box, mold myself into what I thought I wanted and what everyone else wanted, and it turns out, that doesn't work. So instead I shall explode! Because hiding is no fun at all.

Dear World, I'm a little crazy. I'm a lot of quirky. Some days I'm hard to handle and difficult to understand. But this is what makes me beautiful, and so I shall celebrate it.

And you are beautiful too.

Lovely, Lonely, and a Little Lost

Happiness is such a strange concept. We make decisions all the time based on things we think will make us happy. But what happens when we don't receive what we had expected?

I'm beginning to realize the crazy dualities we are all bound to face. When there are multiple things in life that make us happy and we begin to realize that we can't actually "have it all." Instead, we are forced to make some type of decision.

I find myself missing how simple things used to be. When I was just a chubby little kid hanging out with my little sister. But things can't be like that now. Oh, growing up, why are you so hard?!

There are some things I am so happy with here, as I live my "new" life. Like my goofy new friends and some of the new places that I've been. And I'm starting to see some really beautiful things here. There are some simple little joys; I have a frog neighbor who greets me every night when I get home. He hangs out by my porch light and it's always nice to see him. And sleeping in a bed that's not a twin-size, that's glorious! And the gym facilities here are simply to die for! There are squirrels and trees. I'm in a beautiful show, and I'm learning all sorts of things about myself. Here are some of my happy moments:

These goof-balls.

Ashley making apple pies and pumpkin pie pockets. 

Having lunch in Milwaukee at this really great burger place that Todd picked (Also, making double-chin faces).

Being so close to Chicago. I feel at home in cities. 

Working on this beautiful show. 

This sunset with these windmills. 

Exploring the River Walk in Milwaukee. 

I find bliss here, in these moments. But it's not all bliss. I came to grad school in order to improve, to learn, to grow. Really, it was a selfish decision. And I figured "Hey, when you're in your twenties you get to be selfish!" And that's so true. So I packed my bags and left Utah. And I have had lovely days, beautiful days, days where I learn and I laugh and I love. It has been so nice to meet people from other places, to notice the different regionalisms, to hear about how they live, to really see what other people do, and I have loved that.

But there are bad days too. Days where I get so lonely that I have a difficult time functioning. Days in which people don't understand my quirks the same way people back home do. Days that I struggle in class, which is so irritating to me because I've always excelled. And it's hard.

I made this selfish decision not realizing that I selfishly need certain people too. I guess I didn't expect the loneliness. I didn't expect to feel left out of things that are happening back home.

I get on Facebook and see all the things that I am missing. I can't go see my friends in The Plain Princess up at Weber or in Brigadoon at Hale. I can't go to the birthday dinners that my friends go to, I can't make it to special events that I am invited to. I missed the first snow-fall.  I don't get to support my mom as she opens her new restaurant or see how excited Jordan is when she gets her lab coat. I don't get to kiss my kitty before she goes to the vet for surgery. I don't get to have a random date night with my family and be the fifth-wheel and have them awkwardly try and set me up with the waiter. I can't hang out with my friends, and I'm so busy and they're so busy that maintaining relationships is hard. And I miss them.

I didn't expect these things. To miss all these things.

Waking up to this face. 

My family. 

My Weebies. 

My Best Friend.

Weirdos that dress up with me. 

Hiking in beautiful places with beautiful people. 

Leaf piles. 

My Ragtime friends. 

Oh, these people...

Adorable new families. 

So now I suppose I must find balance. I have surprised myself so much in the past year that at this point I really have no clue what I'm doing. I like to seem completely put-together, but the truth is that I'm just as lost as ever. This isn't a "pity-me" post or anything like that, this is me admitting that things are hard. Life is hard. Good days, bad days, and everything in-between. Who knows where I will go and what I will accomplish? I sure don't, I haven't got a clue! But, really, who does?