A Year, a Year, Oh! What a Year!

I just finished entering grades for my classes, which means:

GRADUATE SCHOOL, YEAR ONE, COMPLETE!

So I sit here, alone at my desk in this little office that I share with five of the craziest individuals I have ever met, and I almost feel numb. Why? Because this has been a whirlwind of a year. People tell you that grad school is difficult, but honestly, I was not prepared for the shock of a year I would experience here. Good, bad, tears, screams, giggles, falling through stages, all of it has happened, and it's really bizarre.

Here is my year:

• Moved to Indiana, a 24 hour drive from my home in Utah. A fresh start and exciting adventure, a disappointment when I realized that my apartment was surrounded by corn, soybeans, and a trailer park. The flattest land, the most miserable winter, and forever-grey skies. 

• Lived in my first solo-apartment and loved it! Living on my own was wonderful (even though I did miss having 2:00 A.M. chats with Kelsey) and I loved having my personal space.
• The maggot incident under the sink. 
• Got a new car, named Ishmael, but I kept Butt Mervee's licence plate on my wall as a memento. 
• Making new friends. My five office-chums as well as the directors and designers and a handful of under-grads. I have fallen in a vicious-love with all these people. We drive each other crazy and we help each other out. Mostly, when I reflect on these people I just feel confused. 

• Getting to work out at the nicest gym facility I have ever seen. Seriously. 
• Getting to teach for the first time. Getting those "Dear Professor Slaugh" e-mails was amusing and shocking. 
• The "Statue Friend" saga. 

• Intense classes. What we all refer to as "hell week." No, this is not the typical theatre tech. week, this was the week in which we all cried in EVERY SINGLE ONE of our classes. I have never experienced such intense emotional work in my life. I went deep, and it was both scary and freeing. Mostly scary. But I'm better because of it.

• Conchita and Elizabeth. 

• Learning the layout of a new grocery store (don't underestimate the significance of this, it's tough shit). 
• Missing my Buttercup more than I can explain.
• Realizing I am the worst at memorizing lines. Kelsie Slaugh: Queen of Paraphrasing. Boo.  
• A school shooting. Being the teacher to a room full of confused students. Getting to make a difference.
• Exploring parks and investigating houses with my lover.
• Eating way too much strawberry gelato at Grey House.

• A break-down, hospital stay, and depression diagnosis.
• Almost quitting but deciding not to give up on myself, forging ahead, rebuilding myself, and believing in my art. 
• Falling in love. 

• Growing science experiments in a variety of cups. Dish-washing in the bathroom is not very appealing to me...
• Becoming addicted to coffee.
• Deciding to spend the rest of my life with Rich. 
• Watching the never-ending winter begin to disappear. Seeing the first blue-skies that I have seen in months and smelling Spring air. Suddenly Indiana doesn't seem so bad. 

I have grown more in this year away from home then I thought was humanly possible. I have morphed into a new person and it's quite alarming. I went through a lot of really bad and scary shit, but I also found some deeply hidden beauty inside myself. I needed to experience it all, the longing, the loss, the desperation in order to be who I am. Each day is a struggle, but in the best possible way. I'm growing, and that's all I can do!

xoxo,

Kelsie

Love, Rings, Coffee and Things...

Yesterday Rich and I publicly announced our engagement by posting this picture: 

Since then I have received many inquires, "Who is this man?!" Ha, well I don't blame you all! I did not expect to run off to Indiana and in the midst of grad-school craziness to also find my soul-mate. But, here he is, surprise, surprise! So for all my lovelies back home, I'd like you to meet Richard Buchanan Jr. 

Rich is from Maryland and I am from Utah. We both found ourselves in Indiana after auditioning for graduate schools. Purdue chose us, and we met in August as we prepared for classes. 

I insisted he wasn't my type, while he knew from the beginning that I would be trouble. 

Rich and I grew to be good friends, mostly because we were working closely together on Anna in the Tropics. He was playing my cheating husband, Palomo. Since then he has also played the mischievous Wicham to my Lizzy Bennet.  

We continued to grow closer as he helped me through some pretty rough emotional experiences. My first semester of grad school was tough (to say the least) and I needed all the help I could get. Still, I insisted that we were just friends while I knew that he was falling in love with me. 

Suddenly everything changed when I received a little advice from a good friend. He was talking about his own relationship, saying that he had made a choice to just try with this girl, and that he was committing to this choice. Okay, okay, so I'd give this relationship with Rich a real chance.

As soon as I opened my heart to him I was done for. I had no choice but to fall for this wonderful man. 

(Oh, and there may have been a little help from this man too, Mr. Sylvester Little. Yep, he is Rich's wing-man and vice-versa. These boys are trouble.)

So what is it about Rich? We'll start with the little things. 

There's his little curly-que hair, squinty-eyed smile, and crooked nose. 

He is incredibly addicted to coffee. So addicted that this probably should  have been the very first thing that I said about him. Rich is most likely 75% coffee. Oh, and now he has decided to spread this addiction on to me. I need my morning cup, thanks Rich...

He is talented, venturing down this theatre road with me (gah, I said I'd never be with another actor!). But it's not just theatre, he is remarkably creative. He creates journals out of old book covers, makes masks and puppets, and sees the world in a beautiful way. Each day he makes me curious about something, and I can see his mind constantly racing as stimuli send different vibrations through him. He makes me wonder, and I love that. 

I cannot leave out how goofy he is. Random sounds? Check. Sitting in boxes with me? Check. Amusing sleep-talking? Check. And you should see him when he has stuff to physically play with. Rolling around on mats, jumping up on acting blocks, climbing to upper window-sills. He has a playful heart that is incredibly refreshing. 

Rich is also considerate. He knows that I hate cooking, so he frequently feeds me (the other grads are extremely happy to see me eating things that aren't cup-o-noodles). He will run lines with me, study with me, be a spring-board and bounce around ideas with me. He encourages me daily, reinforcing the wonderful things I know about myself. He reminds me that I'm beautiful, smart, and talented when I struggle to remember. 

This boy is incredibly quirky. He enjoys vintage stores and old-houses. Sometimes his love for character overshadows his practicality (yes, I'm referring to that time when he rented an apartment without functioning water pressure, but it "had amazing windows!"). I will frequently catch him looking up real-estate on his computer for fun. We like to watch Rehab Addict together and see Nicole renovate old houses; we then day dream about living in said houses. 

He's a dreamer.

 

Finally, people are wanting to know how he proposed. It was in a little park over spring break. I had known he was planning on proposing, why? Because I saw this picture and knew that he had purchased a ring...

He likes to refer to this chocolate brown diamond as a "chai diamond" after my favorite chai tea lattes. I prefer to call it our "coffee diamond" because, well, coffee and Rich are synonymous. 

While I knew he had the ring I had no idea when it would happen. I was blissfully surprised when we found a lovely little pond, surrounded by mossy rocks, and Rich began speaking love-filled words to me. He pulled out a ring box he made himself and asked me to marry him. He had been carrying this ring around for weeks, waiting for the right moment, finally telling me that he could not wait a moment longer without asking me to be a part of his life forever. As we got back to the car he pulled out some flowers that he had been keeping. We had dinner at the Lafayette Brewing Company, the first place we met back in August. 

I am so grateful for the support that we have received from our family and friends. I hope this lets you all know a little more about Rich and I. We are planning on having a small ceremony in October of next year. Thank you all for celebrating love with us.

Until next time!

With Love,
Kelsie

We are Artists

There are so many things inside my heart and not enough space for them to come out.

Sometimes I think I will break, simply because I am bubbling all over on the inside. There is an abundance of energy - all forms of energy - skipping around, dancing around, churning and wringing about and it's just dying to jump out. My body doesn't seem capable of containing all that I am, and I feel restricted and enclosed. I can feel my pulse, my irregular heart-beat, as all the things that compose me are forced through my veins and arteries at this irregular tempo; it is my life-rhythm and it creates me.

And what am I? What are any of us?

I am flesh, yes. And I am human. I am a woman, a daughter, a lover, all of these typical things. And yet, I am so much more.

I am a dream. A snowflake. A song. A bird. Water. The fall-breeze. A lick of vanilla ice-cream. Fresh paint on raw hands. An Edison light-bulb. Chalk dust. The smell of rain. A forehead kiss. An empty swimming-pool. A mountain day. An old library book. A soggy cheerio. Mismatched socks. The last bit of toothpaste. A chipped teacup. A blade of grass. A sweater. Shower-steam. A stray cat-hair. A blistering sunburn. A droplet of sweat. A small noise. Pumpkin pie. A missing shoe. Peeling fingernail polish. A Leaky faucet. A fast drive. A thought. And a smile. And that first time you fell in love...

I am all of these things and more.

Sometimes I want to shout it to the world, to explode into all the things that I am at once! I want people to see more than what they see. I desire to place my hand into someone else's and just have them know me.

And, I want to feel someone else's hand and know all the things that compose them as well. I want to be a worm and crawl around inside of minds; to discover what composes people, who they are when they are no more than what they can be. I want to roll around in the warmth of the world, to see things beyond what my eyes are capable of seeing.

Perhaps this is what makes me an artist. I desire to understand and to be understood. I am bursting at the seams. I am overflowing into the world and this overflow must be contained somehow. It must be put somewhere. I have spent my life trying to repress all the multitudes of my emotions, all the faucets of who I am. I tried to squeeze into a box, mold myself into what I thought I wanted and what everyone else wanted, and it turns out, that doesn't work. So instead I shall explode! Because hiding is no fun at all.

Dear World, I'm a little crazy. I'm a lot of quirky. Some days I'm hard to handle and difficult to understand. But this is what makes me beautiful, and so I shall celebrate it.

And you are beautiful too.

Lovely, Lonely, and a Little Lost

Happiness is such a strange concept. We make decisions all the time based on things we think will make us happy. But what happens when we don't receive what we had expected?

I'm beginning to realize the crazy dualities we are all bound to face. When there are multiple things in life that make us happy and we begin to realize that we can't actually "have it all." Instead, we are forced to make some type of decision.

I find myself missing how simple things used to be. When I was just a chubby little kid hanging out with my little sister. But things can't be like that now. Oh, growing up, why are you so hard?!

There are some things I am so happy with here, as I live my "new" life. Like my goofy new friends and some of the new places that I've been. And I'm starting to see some really beautiful things here. There are some simple little joys; I have a frog neighbor who greets me every night when I get home. He hangs out by my porch light and it's always nice to see him. And sleeping in a bed that's not a twin-size, that's glorious! And the gym facilities here are simply to die for! There are squirrels and trees. I'm in a beautiful show, and I'm learning all sorts of things about myself. Here are some of my happy moments:

These goof-balls.

Ashley making apple pies and pumpkin pie pockets. 

Having lunch in Milwaukee at this really great burger place that Todd picked (Also, making double-chin faces).

Being so close to Chicago. I feel at home in cities. 

Working on this beautiful show. 

This sunset with these windmills. 

Exploring the River Walk in Milwaukee. 

I find bliss here, in these moments. But it's not all bliss. I came to grad school in order to improve, to learn, to grow. Really, it was a selfish decision. And I figured "Hey, when you're in your twenties you get to be selfish!" And that's so true. So I packed my bags and left Utah. And I have had lovely days, beautiful days, days where I learn and I laugh and I love. It has been so nice to meet people from other places, to notice the different regionalisms, to hear about how they live, to really see what other people do, and I have loved that.

But there are bad days too. Days where I get so lonely that I have a difficult time functioning. Days in which people don't understand my quirks the same way people back home do. Days that I struggle in class, which is so irritating to me because I've always excelled. And it's hard.

I made this selfish decision not realizing that I selfishly need certain people too. I guess I didn't expect the loneliness. I didn't expect to feel left out of things that are happening back home.

I get on Facebook and see all the things that I am missing. I can't go see my friends in The Plain Princess up at Weber or in Brigadoon at Hale. I can't go to the birthday dinners that my friends go to, I can't make it to special events that I am invited to. I missed the first snow-fall.  I don't get to support my mom as she opens her new restaurant or see how excited Jordan is when she gets her lab coat. I don't get to kiss my kitty before she goes to the vet for surgery. I don't get to have a random date night with my family and be the fifth-wheel and have them awkwardly try and set me up with the waiter. I can't hang out with my friends, and I'm so busy and they're so busy that maintaining relationships is hard. And I miss them.

I didn't expect these things. To miss all these things.

Waking up to this face. 

My family. 

My Weebies. 

My Best Friend.

Weirdos that dress up with me. 

Hiking in beautiful places with beautiful people. 

Leaf piles. 

My Ragtime friends. 

Oh, these people...

Adorable new families. 

So now I suppose I must find balance. I have surprised myself so much in the past year that at this point I really have no clue what I'm doing. I like to seem completely put-together, but the truth is that I'm just as lost as ever. This isn't a "pity-me" post or anything like that, this is me admitting that things are hard. Life is hard. Good days, bad days, and everything in-between. Who knows where I will go and what I will accomplish? I sure don't, I haven't got a clue! But, really, who does?

Time to Tour my Apartment

For the first time in my life I am living alone. And it's been quite the experience, here's what I've discovered:

Pros to Living Alone:

• I get an entire fridge all to myself! This means that my stuff doesn't get lost behind my roommate's stuff. Thus, I now no longer leave an entire bowl of edamame  in the fridge, said edamame no longer gets hidden, and I don't have to clean out said bowl after it's been molding for about two months. Yep, that doesn't happen anymore (sorry, past roommates...).
• I don't have to go to the bathroom only to realize that we're out of toilet paper. 
• Any hair that I find laying around the house is my hair. So much less gross. And seriously, if you haven't lived in a house with four girls whom all have long hair, you will not understand the importance of this statement. 
• I don't have to write my name on my food. 
• I can go to sleep whenever I want and I don't have to worry about people waking me up with the TV.
• I can make smoothies in the morning without worrying about waking up other people with the blender. I love smoothies, so this is great!
• The trash can doesn't fill up nearly as quickly.
• I get to decorate the entire apartment to my taste! It's great, I love all my stuff and it feels so much more like home!
• No one wastes dish soap. I hate wasted dish soap.
• I can walk around the house in my underwear and no one cares. 
• I always know what the house is going to look like when I get home; no sudden messy surprises. 
• The kitchen is clean. Let me reiterate: the kitchen is clean. I hated coming home to a messy kitchen. 

Cons to Living Alone:

• I'm the only person named "Kelsie" living in my house. Oddly enough, living with two other "Kelseys" was a great start-up conversation; it amused the rest of the people living on our floor.
• When roommates bake cookies they usually give you one. Now there's no one to give me a cookie.
• The same goes with pies. No pies for me. 
• Or really any food. I miss having people feed me. 
• Or cook for me. I loved it when Kelsey would make my mac n' cheese; I would buy it, she would cook it, we would both eat it, it was a great deal.
• I have to kill all the bugs myself.
• No more late night hallway conversations. 
• No more coffee-table dance parties.
• No one to make tea for you when you're sick.

Overall, I'm really enjoying having a space that's all mine. As with anything there are upsides and downsides. But I feel like I've reached a point in my life where I really need to have a relationship with myself. It's nice to figure out what my house-habits are, how I occupy my "alone-time," and really what kind of energy I am feeding myself. I think it's a wonderful experience for anyone to have, and I'm loving it.

Now, after all this apartment talk I think that it's only appropriate to give you all a tour. So here's my apartment! Welcome!

This is my adorable front door. Welcome to 2623!

When you walk in the door you are in my entry way. It has some little shelves and a coat closet. 

This is my, uh...dining "room."

After living in UV for four years I didn't know what to do with all this kitchen space! Cupboards, what...?!

This is my living/dining area

More of my living room. Fortunately my furniture came with the apartment, that definitely saved me a ton of money! 

From there you enter into my bedroom. Finally, an adult-sized bed!

I've been able to quickly fill up my built-in book shelf.

This is my little crafty corner. 

I managed to get my book-page plank art here without any damage. Yay! 

This is the top of my dresser; a few items I really love. 

My nice little desk area. 

And of course Howie and Stella came with me (Stella's a little sick, however...). 

So that's my home! It's bright an quirky which is wonderful to come home to after spending all day at school. Hope you enjoyed it! Feel free to come and visit me in person, I'm definitely missing all of my friends from back home. Love you all!

-Kelsie